JuL(Linfred)_Leeanne_@Love

mood: discontent

music: Gimme More

Blessed be the Lord!

Why is it that I can so easily say out such Praise yet I still feel I am far away from God? I dun see myself with God or even I can't feel that my heart is with God... I know very well that I am not with God anymore... I have fallen short of God's will... It has been a very tough and tiring journey for me with God personally till this point of time... My family look at me with another special kind of judgment eyes and cast me out of the whole family like as though I am a outsider...

Since my Sis's wedding, everything changes and the people around me changes too... Including my GF... And surprisingly, she changes the most.... Her attitude was simply Heaven and Earth apart from her attitude before the Wedding... The day before Wedding, she came and spent the whole afternoon with me, and we were sweetly cuddling and getting intimately sweet together... She was very caring, sweet and gentle to me... Her hugs and kisses seems so extreme heart-melting sweet, her touch seems so loved and warm inside me and her eyes just simply melts my defense and make me surrender completely into that seductions...

I told her that I really hope time would really freeze at that moment when we were lying sweetly at my bed, she lying on my chest and listening to me and my heart beat like a little girl in my arms... That was simply what I have wanted in this relationship... I know she felt very loved and hope that time would freeze at that moment too... Especially when our hearts are just skins and ribs apart, I could really feel her heart telling me that she wanna just cling on to me forever... We face alot of obstacles and people separating us, but these are not the problems... The problem lies in her, whether she would really face her feelings and just let her feelings take her into my arms...

It all takes a simple decision and we could really be together, we have walk so far, overcoming so much tests and break up storms, feelings is what that have brought us here... I am not giving up and not withdrawing but I dun understand why is she giving up... Has she forgotten the confessions we shared, the hugs and kisses that we had and all the sweet memories we had at Far East, Marina Square and Esplanade... I have never forgotten any of my promises, I am keeping to them not for the sake of keeping to my promises but for the sake of Love...

I love her and that's how willingly I am to allow her to break my heart here and there despite the fact that I really want to just leave silently immediately... I know the reason why she is hurting me, she wants me to leave because this relationship is a very great prison for her... I dun meant to persecute her down, if I am really as unreasonable and selfish as she thought, I would have just banned from anything and anyone other than school and family... Won't allow her to go service without me, won't allow her to go out with her friends, won't allow her to be on the phone or MSN with anyone, won't allow any guys contact in her phone or MSN... But I didn't...

I am really tired of telling her that no matter how she hurt me, I am not going to give up, I am really tired of repeating myself... Just like her and anyone on Earth, I hate to repeat myself especially my stand... This relationship has never once being easy because of her closed heart... She have once let me in but due to some stupid circumstances, she shut me out of it... I am tired of doing anything that I can to convince her that I won't hurt her ever again, but all she ever do is just telling me that she is not worth me doing so and we will definitely go separate ways one day...

Once again, to clarify my stand, there is only one person in my heart and this person will forever be my one and only Mrs Norbit... No one else can replace her... And for you (you know you are the one), stop making decision for me, I dun need any match making session... You are the very first girlfriend in my life who ever make match me up with another girl, first, it was Nyssa, then Nicole and now it's Priscillia's turn... I dun wish to make situation awkward for anyone and everyone, please stop pushing me to anyone... I am your stead, not your toy... I can be your "Male Maid" but I will never be your Toy...

I have enough of myself le... That smiley and foolish me... In her eyes, I am just a clown seeking attention with my exagerating behavior, but seriously, I am not because I have never once wanted such attention and I have enough attention my life other than that I am lacking of hers... That is just a very natural behavior of mine whenever I am with my CG, I just won't be afraid of showing myself out or afraid that I may do something which will affect my image in their heart... I know that I behave differently when I am with her and when I am with CG, but this is just simply something naturally being bring out from my CG... They will just lead the nature of me out... I am comfortable and I just simply wish to behave as naturally as I am, but knowing that she dislike this and that, I have to always hide this and that...

Since 13th of Febuary, I have been really undergoing all kinds of changes due to her, I have never blamed her once for those expectations and even harshness when I missed shot for one or few expectations but I have really done my best in achieving them. I know no matter how hard I try, I will never be the perfect dream lover in her heart because I am not who she wants to be with eventually... She told me and gave me confessions like she is used to be with me, she wants to cling on me but she can't and she would be sweetly with me if she didn't enter HOPE... Nothing has ever being really fulfilled from her heart, but I know I have no one to blame this for, only myself... I thought I wasn't romantic enough and thus, I really did my best in showering her with my so called romantic concerns to let her know that I love her always and at every moment... Still, it fails to melt her heart...

It has been 10 months plus, going to 11th month le and another 1 month to go, it will be our 1st Anniversary together... It falls sadly and unfortunately on Friday... I have plan that day out but until now, I dun know her time table and I believe she may and will most likely have stuff on that day... If possible, I really want to spend the whole day with no one else but her alone, because it's our day... Our very special day, the start of this tremendous relationship... However, I know it's pointless of me doing so, if she ever bother or care about is to seek freedom and "float" all over, enjoying the attention guys give her... I know she is a faithful lover but I can't sense of security from her because she have never acknowledge me in her life... She acknowledge once but I need to be confirmed here and there de, I am a human being plus her stead, I am not a piece of display in her life...

Whatever memories that we shared and had, I dun know whether she still cares or will even missed them or not but I am missing them crazily daily... Each time I see her, despite how much I just wanna hug her tightly because I am really afraid that I will lose her one day and I really miss her badly, I can't do anything but pretend that I dun know her because she is either with her Church mates or with her school mates... It hurts really very badly to pretend not knowing her when I am actually her stead plus the person who is loving her until I am really going crazy... I dun know what on Earth must I do or accomplished before she would stop pushing me away... We both know that Death is the only way for me to depart from her life, and even after I am dead, those memories that we shared will still be surrounding her...

Seriously, I have never expected myself to love anyone especially this little girl here who is going 17 dis year while I am going 19 after 3 months plus... I know and admit that I am a great flirt in the past, I know I wasn't faithful in Love Relationships in the past but I have only go astray in Relationship once and that once, I have my own reasons for that... I was stuck in a relationship with a bitch whereby I can't withdraw myself due to the heavy blames that will fall on me and another party, Miss B, whom I later got into a relationship and we are suppose to be together... In addition, there's heavy responsibilites falling on me each day I am stuck in that relationship with J... As for what responsibilities, it's something private and confidential...

It was a very complicated story between the 3 of us... I was initially with Miss B since Sec 1 and we started off due to a very crank reason but feelings later started to developed between us... During that time, that bitch was my God-Sis and as we were in the same CCA, we spend alot of time together and always mix togther as time goes by... Frankly speaking, my relationship with Miss B started off after a few days knowing her, less than a month... I thought as time goes by, we would know and understand each other but things didn't go as what I have thought... Maybe it was because she keep seeing me and that bitch together and how well she understand me, she eventually choose to leave me silently and drift away from me at the end of Sec 1...

Sec 2 started and I slowly got much closer with that bitch... As expected, I fallen blindly in love with her and we got together in Aug and it painfully lasted for 2 years plus... Thank God, it didn't last a day longer... Throughout these 2 years plus, alot of things took place, but seriously more lies, betrayals and pain were involved... Alot of people thought that we will last long because she appears to be very sweet and loving in front of our friends but behind our friends, she is nothing but a bitch... She chat with all kinds of guys on MSN, SMS and phone calls... When I caught her once in MSN, she said that was her classmates, but when I ask which school and class that guy was from, she couldn't answer my question...

She did alot for me and I know and appreciated them but I can't make myself to be with someone bitchy and unfaithful as her...  There was this even my common friend with Miss B birthday is here and we were both present that evening... Initially, I didn't dare to talk to her but as the event slowly take place, we started talking and we slowly talk on about our relationship... She explained her silent departure at the end of Sec 1, it was because she could feel that bitch having a crush on me and she didn't to put me through choices, thus she choose to step out... And throughout those times without me by her side, she led a very painful life, plus when she saw me and that bitch in school, she got more hurt and pain from me, yet she have to pretend that she dun care and use her smile to hide her pain...

We revealed our hidden feelings and thoughts for each other... And soon, we got back together... When this got out, everyone blamed me for being unfaithful and scolded Miss B like hell... We didn't care because I know nothing else matters as long as we both loved each other... This couldn't last... That bitch started to use suicide to threaten me, force me and whenever I mention I wanna break or go MIA because I am with Miss B, she will just go up to Miss B's house to get me and force me to leave with her... Alot of stupid dramas took place during that period... Best part, I was having my national exams during that caught between period... 

I got nothing but hell from that Bitch, to her, I felt like I am just a toy to satisfy her hunger and desperation for something... However, when I am with Miss B, I just feel peace and loved... She will never fails to amaze me with small little acts and stuff... And I was dead sure, Miss B is what I want... We didn't managed to last due to that bitch, and end up, history repeat itself... She choose to step out before I could really do something cruel to that bitch... I know I was useless when it comes to handling that bitch, but I couldn't just overcome that barrier of responsibility... If time could turn back, I rather I have never done anything with her and I could have jolly well leave her when she break my heart 3 times...

True enough, she is the one who ditch me because she found someone she like in her workplace, thank God, that guy didn't foolishly take up my route and be together with her... She came back to ask for patch but I rejected and once again, she ruin my happiness with Miss B... We were just managed to get close again and she ruin all over again... And now, I am so glad that 3 of us have found our own relationship partners although mine is still torturing me with her mood swings... Since the break up until now, I didn't contact that bitch because I see no need... Miss B? Still in contact but we no longer talk for more than 3 sentences...

Miss B, someone whom I have really went crazy over and did alot, I have never loved this deeply and crazily before... I have never changed anything about myself just to coax her or make her happier... But for the sake of this little girl, I change myself so much till I have lost myself in this relationship... I have lost my real identity in this relationship but have become a puppet who live in the way she wants me to be... She dun like people to be Emo and I change my ways, she dun like people to be uncivilized in their behavior and speech, I change completely my behavior and speech... She dun like me to just slack around with those bad friends, I stop and instead went to slave myself in that Union Band... I know she like musically-inclined lovers, I performed and dedicate my Solo's performances to her, wanted so much to prove her of my musical achievements...

I know she dun like slacker or garbage, I worked hard and now I am the Chairperson of Union Band, so what? She have forgotten all those times when she will support and encourage me through those difficult times I faced when I am taking over the management of Union Band... She have forgotten the Lipton Tea which she got for me just because I told her I like to drink and she bought for me to encourage me because I just enrolled into NAFA during that time... Until now, I still keep some of the Tea Bags because I know it's impossible for her to do such sweet stuff for me again... The first sweet surprise she gave me was when she deliver a bottle of Herbal Tea up to my house because I was sick when normally if she were to come up my house, I will always go and fetch her... 

She is such a sweet little girlfriend back then, but why does she seems so scary right now? We are so closely bonded together, yet she seems so far away from me... Initially when we got together, she always share with me stuff about her CG, Church life and events but I dun know anything about it... She urge me to go church and encourage me to go, I went and convert because of my own personal touch with God... I faced strong persecutions at home and was breaking down, she encouraged me strongly and supported me through... And that's why I am eventually standing here firmly and strongly, but somehow I had a great bad painful fall in my spiritual walk with God... I am picking myself up... Still... But it's very hard for me to recover from this fall because unlike before, this time round, she is cruelly shutting me alone in this darkness and cold world of mine... 

I really wish that her eyes would one day be on me and hopefully by then, I am still standing in God's way and still the person whom her heart would miss at times... I dun know how much longer I can hold on there, Babiie, dun keep me hangning halfway there, it's painful... Come and bring me back...

Why? Can u please tell me why is your true colors so ugly and scary? You used to be just a very playful yet crazy gal in my heart, but now what I seen is not only so, you are just a scary b**** and rude... I am afraid of you in the past, always compromise to you whenever we bicker, whenever u nag at me when I hurt myself and especially when you scolded me when I cut myself... It's the past... And I admit I really like you like mad and willing to do anything for you, when you asked me to stop cutting myself, I really stop and when I know you are sick, I got so helpless and hurt... I will keep calling you to remind you to eat medicine... Always meet you up after school, to smoke even after I have long quit smoking... Because that's the only way for me to meet you up... And spend that short few minutes with you... 

I told myself to let go of you because I know it's impossible between us. I met my current girlfriend and I really start my life anew. Because of her, I came to faith and right now serving proudly in her church. She changed me, how about you? Did you change because of your relationship too? Yes, you did and you didn't grow in Christ but instead, you fall further away from God. I know what I have done wrong, but at least I realize my mistakes and confess them honestly... I dun wish to compare... However, I can only say that I am very disappointed in you... As a mature Christian (as you claim), you are stumbling me in my spiritual walk, instead of leading me, you ruin me... Never mind, I dun blame you but I just want to tell you that in God's eyes, how much you love Him and how mature you are, they are all being reflected on your daily acts. If you think what you are doing is right, I have nothing to say. All I can say is, frm now onwards, I won't care and dun care what you do but dun let it affect my loved ones, my sheeps or else, I won't just be silent.

I know you care for Li Ning, do you think I dun? She is my buddy and I care for her more than you do. Another side is my sheep, I am sharing Gospel with Ming Pei and it took me a great time before Ming Pei believe in the existence of Jesus Christ, I will protect her by all means and will never allow anyone to harm her including you... Though you may be someone whom I like crazily in the past, you are my past and truly past. No matter how much I have give in, it's all past and will truly ends here for my tolerance. I meant no harm or offense bt search ur heart/conscience, ask urself, are you following closely to God's teaching before you judge me. We both know we are not supposed to judge because we are sinners. 

My sheeps... I am so disappointed with all... However, now I shall proclaim myself free because I know God will send someone else to your... I am not a good shepherd... It's time for me to get my focus back on my own spiritual growth with God, I wanna grow up and not old... Growing old with God is meaningless, I can be a 10 years Christian but if my spiritual growth is at my first month walk with God, it's a waste of my time. I wanna know God more and I wanna grow with Him... Since I am not the shepherd for your, I won't hold your behind with me but let go of your and pray for your.

location: room

mood: cranky

music: I surrender all

The whole world seems to have lost their mind... I have just receive a great blow about my sheep/sis last night, until now, I have yet recover and I got pissed over another matter.. I was in a great mood, but affected due to my headache and now someone worsen it... I dun wanna mention who dis person is bcux I am sure that person know... I am seriously very pissed with this person... Btw, can anyone please tell me the way to stop people from thinking that Priscillia and me are together? I dun know how close we appears to be in other people's eyes, but what really surprise me is that nearly everyone thought we are together... This is really amusing... 

Not that Priscillia is not good, she is very good... Somehow too good for me... She is a very nice girl, I know that... She is pretty, cute, cheerful, understanding, caring, friendly, helpful, patient and even somehow thoughtful... But that doesn't mean I like her... It's a fact that she is a very perfect girl in my eyes, even if she has her weaknesses, but still, it doesn't affect my point of view for her... It's not because I like her or too engrossed in liking her but just because I dun see a need for me to look at people's weaknesses when I have mine too... I know we are close and even so close till we are closer than me and my girlfriend but, I know for sure that we are just friends... 

No matter how compatible we seems, we are still friends at this moment... She have her own relationship while I have mine too... And we both love our stead alot... So how on earth is it possible for the 2 of us to be together?! Doubt me, I dun mind because I know I have a very dirty and flirty records in the past, but how about Priscilia? That's very unfair to her... I am not someone charming or someone gd, so please dun matchmake people up with me... I have my own relationship, I am already in 2 relationships, I dun need a third one... First with God and second with Mrs. Norbit... I am satisfied enough... Maybe Priscillia and I are close, but somehow, it's impossible for us to be together especially at this point of time...

It took me a great long time to persuade my Mrs. Norbit that the person whom I love is her, no one else... I dun wish to start everything anew... It is really very tiring to prove to someone that I love her... As for Priscillia, I know how much she loves her boyfriend, and how sweetly they are together... I have no wish to be a 3rd party... And I dun wanna be one... I am very satisfied with my current state with Priscillia... 

I admit it's really weird at how close we both got within such a short period upon knowing each other... However, there is just something burning inside our hearts or perhaps linking us up... Whereby, although we have only known each other for less than around 2 months, but it feels as though we have known each other for a very long time... At first, I thought I am in trouble because I thought I was crushing on Priscillia but later when I ask her, she feels the same so it means I am not crushing on her... Because we both feels the same... Though until now, we both dun know what causes this feeling and how did we got this feelings, but at least, we both are very satisfied with our present state... As for what is going to happen in the future, no one knows... At least for now, I know that the one I love is Mrs. Norbit and the one she loves is her "Boyfriend"... 

If your really want to see us together, I dun mind playing with ur but I dun want and won't allow anything and anyone to ruin or disrupt our own invidual relationships... I shall not show mercy despite I am taught by Christ to show mercy on people who attempt to disrupt our relationships... No matter how painful it may be, I will hold on to this relationship with Mrs. Norbit and I will not surrender to the cruel reality... I will prove that Love creates Miracles... And prove that Love will withstands all kinds of tests... Trust me, Babiie, I will do it...

location: room

mood: exhausted

music: 蝴蝶秀

Today is such a beautiful day for me... But she cruely ruined my day purposely... 

你说我耍赖才让你离不开
你说我自私只顾着自己爱
一阵阵暴雨随狂风吹过来
我左右摇摆差点就倒头栽
幸好我仍然有一点功力在
你触碰不到我致命的要害
卯上你只好自认倒霉活该
揣揣的样子你真的心太坏
你好毒你好毒你好毒呜呜呜
你越说越离谱
我越听越糊涂
你好毒你好毒你好毒呜呜呜
打死不肯认输
还假装不在乎
你好毒你好毒你好毒呜呜呜
你给我说清楚
我要啃掉你的骨
你好毒你好毒你好毒呜呜呜
每次都被欺侮小心我一定报复

幸好我仍然有一点功力在
你触碰不到我致命的要害
卯上你只好自认倒霉活该
揣揣的样子你真的心太坏
你好毒你好毒你好毒呜呜呜
你越说越离谱
我越听越糊涂
你好毒你好毒你好毒呜呜呜
打死不肯认输
还假装不在乎
你好毒你好毒你好毒呜呜呜
你给我说清楚
我要啃掉你的骨

你好毒你好毒你好毒呜呜呜
每次都被欺侮小心我一定报复
你好毒你好毒你好毒呜呜呜
你越说越离谱
我越听越糊涂
你好毒你好毒你好毒呜呜呜
打死不肯认输
还假装不在乎
你好毒你好毒你好毒呜呜呜
你给我说清楚
我要啃掉你的骨
你好毒你好毒你好毒呜呜呜
每次都被欺侮小心我一定报复 

I had so much happy memories today and I tried so much to stop thinking of her, stop thinking of all the pain that she gives me and stop thinking about all those very painful memories which will drives my tears out... 

It was my first time going sentosa with Care Group, going Siloso Beach with Lao Ma & Daughters... Though it wasn't a complete family attendance, but I am still glad to be there... The memories are so precious... All of them were late... Thought we (Reb & Me) were late but they were even later... Soon after everyone arrived, we went to Giant at Vivo to buy some snacks, ham and bread for our "lunch"... The journey to Sentosa and coming back was really very sleepy for me, but the difference lies in, when we were going, I was feeling very excited but coming back, I was dead tired...

The sand was extreme hot and my feet was totally red, by the time, I managed to reach the deeper ends of the shore... Xiu Zhen wanted to only sun bathe herself and refuse to enter the Sea so we didn't get her along... I was just sitting at the point whereby the waves and the shores meet when Lao Ma tried to push me and we end up pushing and pulling each other to get each other down into the sea... Both end up drenched and fall into the sea... We splashed water on each other and it was really very fun... But not very enjoyable wen the water was damm salty and we both were disgusted by the salty taste on our lips... 

Sheep refuse to enter the Sea because she have to leave at 3 smth.. But end up coming back and I pulled her into the Sea... Yeah! I made her drenched and we were like crazily splashing water on each other... It was really a very mad and crazy afternoon for all of us... While the guys are playing madly with the crocodile float, we were playing on our own... And it was really a great bonding session, it is something which I have never felt before...

I was abit hold back when Xiu Zhen ask me or kind of catch up with me... Some stuff about St. Andrew Cathdral & Hope Church... It is like she asked me how do I find Hope Church and St. Andrew Cathedral... Hmmm... And also ask me what kind of project which I am going to be involved with during this coming Christmas... I explained to her how CCIS works and my commitments inside... 

When Hui Yin finally came, we went back to the Sea again and it was quite a breathless experiences for me... The currents got quite strong suddenly and while I was ensuring Lao Ma is alright, I tried to held on to Hui Yin and pulled her up to the surface because she was being swept and covered twice by 2 huge waves... I was really very scared that something will happen to Hui Yin or that she will be swept away by the waves because she was totally so brittle when the waves came... At least Lao Ma still know how to struggle and fight her way against the waves to gain her balance... She was completely just standing there and not struggling at all... Perhaps I think she can't struggle because the waves was really strong and I guess she didn't have the strength to do so too...

And when I pulled and pushed everyone back to the shore, I was like going to be completely exhausted because it takes me a great effort to get and ensure everyone is back to shore safely... And sand and water went into my phone!!! Arrgh!!! We placed them at Lao Ma's towel near to the shore and didn't expect the shore to hit them... Never mind... Thank God, it's safe or else... I will definitely go crazy... Just then Xiu Zhen was helping those guys to make those sandwiches and ended up doing for the whole CG... Hoho... And everyone was calling her "Mama" and she was feeling so awkward... But at the same time was happy too...

After eating, Reb, Hui Yin and me went to the shore near the waves... I was bored and was drawing... Just then got inspired by Sheep, and I started drawing "her" name... I am so proud of my artpiece and helped Hui Yin to draw one for Michael too... But now I dun see the reason for me to be proud of it anymore... Because she is simply a huge turn-OFF! I am extreme sensitive to a word "disgusting" and she used it on me... Dun understand wad the hell she is thinking about... Dun wanna go into details why and how she said...

Fine... Delete me on Friendster... I didn't expect this move bt still, revenge did come into my mind just now... I am so glad, Priscillia came in time and managed to erase that thought away... If not, I think I would have done something very rash and harsh to her... Through Friendster... Another thing, she minds me alot putting those love thingy on Friendster... Never mind, I have made it clear tat it is for Priscillia... Sometime I seriously feel that Priscillia treats me better than how she treats me... Even just a friend cares for me to the extend that will protect me from even relationship, but she as a lover is doing nothing but worsening everything...

End of today's story.

I am very dead tired now... Physically or mentally...

location: room

mood: depressed

music: 心如刀割

Long day for me... Extremely tired... Went to Causeway then to Sembawang to meet a friend, Yu Ling, to pass her scores... Then waited for Priscillia to come over from Admiralty... I missed 2 trains because of her... But never mind, must try to understand that she is a girl and wearing such short shorts... After all, it's only 2 trains and not 5 above.. Or else, I think I will turn her upside down... She looked very ****... cannot say her cute because she will only accept this compliments depending on her mood (hey, i still rmb u said dis wen we were at Bugis)... As agreed, she was wearing white long sleeve, folded like mine and a short shorts with black or dark colored sneakers... As for me, I wore black long sleeve (folded like hers-same length), jeans and white plus black sneakers... 

We then went over to Yishun, first door of first cabin to meet my Sheep, Rebecca... She wore a black Tee-Shirt and Bermudas, plus her usual white Converse sneakers... We went straight to St. Andrew Cathedral (Main Church) and it was still early... Nave was having a Wedding (I guess?) So we went straight to CNS, to the Prayer Hall for LYnC... Denise they all were there quite early... And I was really scared when Priscillia went silent and starts to get abit emo, I know she is not used and she is like that when she goes to a complete new environment... She went out halfway during our Worship Songs and Prayers... Denise went to speak to her, and invited her to join us for the Worship, but just as expected, she didn't because I know she won't... 

Later when the sermon starts, I know I done something wrong and Denise saw... I know Denise was mad over what I have done... I lied on Priscillia's shoulder and was slacking throuhg... I know she is mad because her expressions and I could feel her anger... Somehow... I just know that she dun like me to be misbehaving and I know I have done something wrong... Best part is that I am already a shepherd, I have to set a good e.g and disciplining my sheep during sermon and not playing along with my sheep... (Sorry, Denise, I know I have done something wrong, I will discipline myself)...

The sermon was on Church Building, though the video later towards the ending part, touch on Christianity Faith, I am very sure my sheep didn't pay attention to it because she is present there but her mind is already dozing in her bed at home... I am now doubting whether St. Andrew Cathedral is really the suitable church for my sheep or not... She likes the Worship songs part but she prefer the sermon style of Hope Church (my sub-church)... Hmmm... Quite a tough arrangement for me... But never mind, think we will remain as present, attend LYnC from 3-5pm then around 5.15pm, move to Somerset to join Care Group for Tertiary Service... Asking me to make a choice between them is really impossible, because I am deeply attracted to both... 

LYnC is where I found my faith in Christ, where I found that this world is not as ugly as what I thought and where I met Wei Jun, Denise, Sabrina and my Princess Warriors mates... As for Care Group, it is where I found joy, hopes, courage, love and care, despite when I am feeling down here and there... I am glad that my Daughters & Lao Ma will be there to cheer me up, of course, I am not turning to them only when I am feeling down but because I know they are really very great mates I have in Christ... Whenever I am really feeling super extreme hurt and fustrated, they will bring peace and happiness to me... I am glad that God brought them to me...

Back to today's stuff...

After the service ended, we leave immediately and met Denise at the door, bid her goodbye too and I felt her disappointment in me... But I dun know what am I suppose to say to her, because she is busy with the Christmas Play, cookies packing too... Thus, no point me talking to her, because she won't be free to even rest... After we left the chruch, we went to Marina Square and seriously throughout the journey there, I was really cracking my skull to think of ways to cheer Priscillia up because she was rather emo and not behaving herself... I am so glad that jsut when we were reaching Marina Square, I finally managed to make her smile and I was so relieved by then...

We went to Marina Square and it seems like there wasn't much for Priscillia to look at, we then move to Bugis and I remember very clearly that there was a Barney liveshow going when we reach there... They sang the song "I Love You" and I am so scare of this song because of my sis... ( I mean younger sis, who is only 4 yrs old)... And it was really fun taking train with Priscillia, she is so fun... A balancing girl who always needs support when inside train yet she will deny her way through... Haha... Never mind... "Priscillia, you have got someone here who is willing to be support you when you are losing balance, be it, in train, in life, in relationship, in friendship or studies."

When we finally reach Bugis, we started going around and we met this strangle and bad taste girl in City Hall who is wearing Blue Top and Light Blue Bra (sorrie, I am nt being pervert yet bt stating facts)... She was really a Turn OFF for me, I can't stand her dressing and I dun know why she is so happy and proud about it... And the very LUCKIEST thing was when we met her 4 times in Bugis, Singapore is really SMALL man, epsecially Bugis... I was like abit puzzled over what I am suppose to do... But just ignore her presence and continue to shop with Priscillia and Sheep...

At 6.30pm, when Sheep have to go back, Priscillia and I sent her back to station before we make our way back to Pargo Bugis Junction but there doesn't seems to be much for her to buy... After walking a short while, we decided to move to Far East and so we head to the station... And I think Far East is a very memorable place for me especially... I have all my very sweet memories with Babiie in this place, when she bought her first bag and when she bought her SE course clothes, I didn't forget those memories and I know she didn't too because she still misses them... 

Then we went to Long John Silvers where Priscillia have her dinner, she dun know how to hold a knife and a fork man... But never mind, I helped her to cut her dinner into small suitable size and she even complain is too small but I find it okay... Just then a phone fly over to my side and a guy keep apologizing, he picked up and sat down without realizing there is food on his chair... Priscillia laughed her way through and till her face was exploding red... (So bad of you ya)... After that, we saw a pair of couple, (GGR) and the girl was like so pretty, she has a pair of big and watery eyes and just simply look like a Japanese Girl but when I saw her partner, Priscillia and my reaction was the same... Wasted... She wasted her youth, love and time on someone which is definitely not worth to be with her...

Though I am not suppose to have such thoughts, I even thought that I make a better match with her although it sounds abit thick-skinned... I know I am ugly but at least I seriously think I look better than her partner... And after dinner, after sending Priscillia to the station, I went over to s11 next to Cappage Plaza... I squeezed my way through and was very pissed... The crowd was like, "Oh My!" and my patience was running out... But thank God, I managed to pull through and reach s11 safely... I saw Babiie!!! Right there at the mid of the food court with her friends and even blocked my way, made me said "Excuse Me" for 2 times and I walked past her... I sms her like mad but she refuse to reply... 

And soon, I found Lao Ma they all... So happy to see them again... Miss them like mad... And of course, I will sit next to Lao Ma because she is Lao Ma and I am Lao Pa... I sat between Lao Ma and Xiu Zhen (Winnie's shepherd)... I rest my left arm on Lao Ma's chair and my 2 daughters got jealous, so I ran over and "squat" and rest my both arms on both their chairs... Then went back to my seat... Lao Ma was so sweet and being caring, wanted to share her dinner with me but it's okay... I have no appetite... I went over to Jasmine and Winnie's side because they were complaining of being jealous that I keep talking to Lao Ma... Then Jasmine fed me 2 sotongs because she is allergic to them... I ate them because I am just standing next to her... So sweet, my daughter fed me...

We had a great tym catching up over there and they seriously make good companions for dinner... I had a great tym... But I knocked my head against a road mirror near the s11... So painful... And I was like nearly exploding... It was a loud and hard bang but I am still alive... Just that the pain is abit pounding inside my heart like a drum... After the dinner, we went Plaza Singapura to walk about... It was really a great evening... Especially with Lao Ma's companion and of course, not forgetting my daughter, Winnie's companion too...

After we all decided to go home, Lao Ma and Jo alighted at Raffles City then Winnie and I head to Admiralty Mac... When we finally reach Admiralty Mac, she went to buy fries as she wanted to eat while I sat there... We chatted awhile and just then I sms Priscillia and she is coming over too... She came but a friend of hers keep coming to find her or getting her out, and I was like a bit pissed... Because it's like since Priscillia already come and meet me, another friend, then why is she still bothering her? She is not a kid or whatever... And Priscillia will definitely 100% safe with me, so what's there for her to bother about... Just then, I know Babiie is coming back because the timing is always around 11.30smth to 11.40smth, she will make her way back... I wanted to go fetch her, Priscillia and Winnie was very against it... Both scolding and lecturing me like mad, but I know they meant me good because they dun want me to be continue being hurt and used in this relationship..

However, the point is, it is my Babiie, my girlfriend and the one whom I love, I dun wanna make a risk when it comes to her safety... She is scared, I know because it's quiet and dark... It's so dangerous for her to walk back home alone... I told her I will send her home... But she dun seems appreciative, it's alright because I am the one who willingly wanna send her home... Though she may not treat me as stead at this moment, but still, she is still my girlfriend and I will still wanna take care of her and take charge of her safety... What hurt me most is when she treat me coldly on the way home, she was having difficulties going home and yet she still pretended that she is okay... I know she is not, I know her blister hurts and I know she can't walk... But what can I do? She dun allow me to carry her home or to help her... I can only walk by her side like a bodyguard...

When I was walking by her side, looking at how she struggle her way home, saw how painful she felt, my heart shatters into pieces... It hurts me very badly... But what hurts me any further was when she moved her arm away when I tried to help her when she nearly lose balance... Why? Why must you treat me in such coldly and hurting manner? It's hurting... Very... 

我的天是灰色
我的心是蓝色
触摸着你的心
竟是透明的

你的悠然自得
我却束手无策
我的心痛竟是你的快乐

其实我不想对你恋恋不舍
但什么让我辗转反侧
不觉我说着说着天就亮了
我的唇角尝到一种苦涩

我是真的为你哭了
你是真的随他走了
就在这一刻
全世界伤心角色又多了我一个
我是真的为你爱了
你是真的跟他走了
能给的我全都给了我都舍得
除了让你知道我心如刀割

location: room

mood: nostalgic

music: let's move it

아무리 기다려도 난 못가 바보처럼 울고 있는 너의 곁에
상처만 주는 나를 왜 모르고 기다리니 떠나가란 말야

보고싶다 보고싶다 이런 내가 미워질만큼
울고 싶다 네게 무릎 꿇고 모두 없던 일이 될 수 있다면

미칠듯 사랑했던 기억이 추억들이 너를 찾고 있지만
더이상 사랑이란 변명에 너를 가둘 수 없어

이러면 안되지만 죽을만큼 보고 싶다

보고싶다 보고 싶다 이런 내가 미워질만큼
믿고 싶다 옳은 길이라고 너를 위해 떠나야만 한다고

미칠듯 사랑했던 기억이 추억들이 너를 찾고 있지만
더 이상 사랑이란 변명에 너를 가둘수 없어

이러면 안되지만 죽을만큼 보고 싶다

죽을 만큼 잊고 싶다

This is a korean song (obviously) from the very first Korean Series which makes me fall in love with, "Stairway to Heaven" and also Carousel...  I am sure until now, Babiie still doesn't know how much this show and Carousel means to me... In my life there are 2 shows/musicals/movies which are very important to me, without them, I will never have love like this or know what Love is, "Phantom of The Opera" and "Stairway to Heaven"... She have never bothered to find out about what is inside my heart and yet I have to know everything about her, no matter is her expectations of Love or Dream Lover... 

What is this song all about? It is about a guy telling his girlfriend that he has chosen to leave her because it is the only way to bring her happiness... Despite how much he dun bear to leave and how much this girlfriend of his meant to him, he have to leave because he will only bring her pain and tears... He have nothing more but to give her or left behind for her but those memories that they shared together... And at this last point of time, he just wanna tell her to leave him because he dun wanna tie her down behind with love anymore... He loves her and miss her but still, he just have to leave her and set her free...

In previous entry, I was still glad that I have found my determination but once again, I am back into the same old shape, that emo freak... I have completely lost myself once again... In this night, I have found myself to be so helplessly struggling between loving and leaving her... I know loving her doesn't mean I should have her by my side but instead, setting her free to pursue what she wants and give her my greatest and deepest blessing... Just like what is mention in this song, because he loves her and dun wish to hurt her, dun wanna tie her down with his selfish love, he choose to take all the pain away from her and leave silently...  I understand all these but whether I can apply them to my own relationship, this is a big question mark...

I wanna let go, but I just dun bear to end this relationship... I wanna prove to her that this relationship can work out for as long as she gives me the chance to prove it... I know she won't... But I am still helplessly behaving like a kid in this relationship... I wanna just let her know that I do love her more than anyone else on Earth... For the sake of her, I dun care what others say or even think about me, I just wanna pursue my own Love bravely... Cause this is the spirit to go for Love... If I give up so easily, what rights do i have to love her or even have her mine?

I am falling.. I am swaying away from God... I know... Because the evil thoughts and behavior is coming back to me, it is really hard to control or tame it down... I know I am losing control... I know I am returning back to my past lifestyle... I know... Because the feelings is getting stronger and the pounding feeling and beat is geting stronger... Just like what Rosalind (my group leader in charge for Baptism Course) has said, as we moved towards our Baptism Ceremony, Satan will come haunting, tempting, distracting, destroying and pulling us away from God... I admit I am shaken, because of what Babiie is doing to me, I am trying real hard to control and tame down... I dun wish to stray away... Each time I get back, the feelings hurts real badly... I dun wanna go through that pain... But at the same time, fighting against this, is very hard and painful...

location: home

mood: calm

music: 浪花一朵朵

 假裝

作詞：大麥　作曲：古皓　編曲：小安∕洪敬堯

呼吸著一種孤獨的味道　心跳在你沉默以後慢慢地被淡忘掉
我笑了笑　反正你看不到　我要的幸福　遺落在你懷抱

當愛失了焦　那些最初的美好　早被你擱在一角
街上擁擠人潮　走著看著都是催眠符號
記憶停不了　穿過讀你的心跳　穿過想你的味道　我只想不被打擾

假裝多好　我只要　只想要　再擁有一秒
去相信你的擁抱　一直會讓我依靠
繼續等待　還心甘情願地　不想逃

Pretence... I have been leading a life of pretence... Denise and Priscillia are right, I have been pretending all along... I have been pretending to be happy, fun, humorous, kiddy and crazy... In front of all of them, I have been pretending to be smiling... But deep inside, I am bleeding and crying... I pretend to take things easy even when I know that she dun loves me, I pretend to stay cool and relaxed and pretend that all these doesn't affect me or defeat me... But deep inside, I am defeated badly and I am crying... Even so, the greatest pretence is when it comes to relationship... I know she dun love me, I know she desire freedom from this relationship and I know her heart is no longer in this relationship or at least work on this relationship... But I continue to pretend my way through because I dun wish to face reality... 

人群里面那个我把幸福遗落
那曾经走过的路口我停了你却走
我想捂住我的耳朵听不见你说
爱就在此刻松手分手放手
我猜不透不猜透
和你背对背的走
原来怪我没有
没有爱情的天分你才要走
我想要学会自我催眠
痛觉会少一些
潜意识作祟想着想到失眠
我躺在没有你的房间
寂寞更加明显
我渐渐的自我催眠
却回不到从前
等着红灯那个我还会向前走
也许那幸福的执着在下一个路口
专属铃声我还留着却静静沉默
在我们之间爱了放了散了
我会不说不想说
怕说了也没有用
现在我的幽默
只是掩饰着心痛我的难过
聪明再多一些
我走在没有你的世界
却走不到永远
慢慢闭上双眼

Feelings is not right, it is no longer burning as passionately as before, she is no longer the same Babiie whom I love madly and I know she will never admit that she have changed... In this relationship, we are not the only persons involved, it involves God too because both of us are Christians and because we are Christians, there is alot of "No"(s) in the relationship... I know for the sake of me, she have done her best in giving me all that she can and even stuff she can't... I used to blame her for not making an effort in working this relationship out, but later as time goes by, as I reflect through, I was wrong... She did tried and have done her best, it was my fault for not realizing her effort... 

Now that time is no longer like before, feelings are no longer like before, there is no turning back for us... What lies ahead us, is just cross-roads and though I am always said to be smiley clown, this time round, I seems to have been defeated by love and very badly... I admit I am no longer like before, my behavior, thinking, language and even my feelings have changed... My feelings for this relationship has got deeper and my love for her has got crazier... I can't control or stop myself from falling deeper, and who on Earth can control their feelings? I know falling in love with Babiie is something which I shouldn't have done so, but I can't control or withdraw myself... Each time I look into her eyes, I just fall deeper and deeper and each time I miss her, I realize I love her more and more...

I am no longer that Flirty Playboy who will never once miss the person whom I claim to love, but now, times are different, a second she is not in front of me will means a seconds which I gonna miss her like crazy... I used to thought that I will never ever met anyone who can defeat me in Love because I have never once love anyone like how I am loving her, but I am wrong... Loving her is no longer just a relationship application but it has already become my daily routine... Oh... Am I really in love this time? Love used to be just a game to me, but if it is really a game, I think I have lost this time because I have met someone whom I wanna settle down and this person is none other than her...

Some say a marriage is a skill of art of management, but I realize it applies to relationship too... Cause seriously, this relationship with her is a test of my skills of managing the relationship and I am running out of patience and tolerance... I know I won't be a dream lover of hers and I am miles from her dream lover because I am a very flirty playboy... But what must I do to proves that I have changed and she is all I ever want to be with and want to love... No matter what kind of confession she wants me to make, I have confessed all of my past... No matter is my past relationships, how intimate I have got with my past lovers, what have I done in the past sinful life, I told her everything honestly...

What more does she wants? Intimacy is never once what I aims for this relationship... I know I got a bit carried away whenever we got together, I know it's my fault whereby we will always end up having pillow fights... I am sorrie... But please believe me, I have never intend to make each trip of her visit to end up in pillow fights... I dun know how we will always end up having pillow fights but I am still thankful that she didn't regret the pillow fight but just that time really passed by so fast till we didn't realize and she will end up saying she wasted her time.. 

I am listening to a very sweet song yet reminded me of someone who have hurt me damm deeply and the reason why I started flirting around since the break-up, "你是我老婆" and this song reminds me of a 2 years 5 months and 6 days relationship with a bitch who timer me for 3 times! We went to a open concert, Z-Pop Concert at Padang with Mummy Mei Xing... That night, Richie sang this song, and she was standing next to me and want me to sing to her too... I knew how to sing and I sang the chorus to her, she like it when I sang that song to her... At that point of time, I really thought that this girl standing in front of me would be the one whom I gonna love forever because I could feel that she loves me and thus, I trusted her again and again when she promised that the timer thingy would be last but still, it was never once last... 

As for Babiie, she dun like me to call her such term, she dun like "Dar Dar", "Honey", "Sweetie", "Zhu Zhu", "Lao Gong" or "Lao Po"... Thus, I can never expect her to call me that... Even till now, she have yet call me Babiie face to face, sms, only once with lots of decorations by the side... I am still waiting for the day whereby she will call me that on her own... I dun know how much longer am I going to wait but I am sure of one thing and that is, after listening to so much love songs, my determinations to love her has got deeper... My mood has changed from that painful pretence mood to now, determined and strong... 

Babiie, it may be bad news for you but I am gonna be determined in loving you... No matter how you hurt me or how you push me away, I am gonna prove to you that this relationship will works... I gonna use all my romantic tactics to make you fall in love with me... And trust that I didn't shame you and being with me is definitely not a shameful thing... But the sweetest part of your life... I gonna be the sweetest memories in your life...

location: home

mood: cold

music: 替代说再见-Rain

我想我已开始有点疑惑
好像被她说中些什么
难道已经没有别的选择
只能乖乖地束手纠缠
难过的是我们做了选择
是对是错 谁也没把握
如果要我放手才能获得
为何在我心中又舍不得
看着你要走 还装着笑容
泪水的脆弱要撑多久
如果现在开口 如何挽留
感情这条线 注定只能这么远
不敢相信已经来到昨天
想你爱他必定多一些
我们之间不可能再回到从前
我还傻傻画着幸福线
看着你走远
还继续装笑脸
掩视沉默我能撑多久
如果现在开口 怎么挽留
感情这条线 注定无法延长一点
你已不再而我何时才清醒
相信一切都是命
不曾放弃你 我不会说什么
默默地承受想人的自豪
看着你要走 还装着笑容
泪水的脆弱要撑多久
如果现在开口 如何挽留
感情这条线 注定只能这么远
看着你要走 还装着笑容
泪水的脆弱要撑多久
如果现在开口 如何挽留
感情这条线 注定只能这么远 

Babiie... Is this really the end? Are we really determined to end our relationship and journey of love here? Is it all over? You know how tough it is for me to bid goodbye to you, but do you know how much pain it is burning inside my heart? Seeing how much you wanna break free from me, do you know how painful it is for me? I have never expected my love to be a tomb and a jail for you, they always tell me that a marriage is a grave but I never expected a relationship to be one for you too. I am so sorrie that I have jailed you down with my love, but I didn't wanna do it so too... 

Babiie, why has our love become from a sweet story to such a miserable painful story? This song is being performed by 183 Club, and I happens to come to this song and this song just tells me that we can no longer return to the past like how we used to be... The journey of our love has comes to this point whereby it is a Cross-Road, to contnue or to end, I am facing this choices... I know that you wanna say goodbye to me, I know you wanna leave me but I am tieing you behind with my unreasonable love... I am so sorrie but forgive me for being so stupidly dependent on you and relying on you for rest of my life...

I am stuck at this point of my life whereby I have no idea what I wanna do next and go from here, I need you to tell me what I should do and where I should go. It is really amazing at how dependent I am to you, you know how self-centred I am, no matter what I do, I will never hesitate or think about how others may be affected by it... But now, times are different, I rely on you for everything, hesitate before I do anything... I know you dun like me to hesitate, but do you know why am I so? It is because I am no longer alone, I have you and before I do or say anything, I should spare a thought for you before I do or say anything... And thus, I am still doing so, but are you still doing so? 

Why is it that I can spare a thought for you but you can't? Babiie, I know that you never wanted relationship in the first place and thus, you keep wanting to withdraw yourself from this relationship... Despite you are falling for me, you choose to restrict yourself from allowing your relationship to develop deeper for me... Whenever you are falling love with me, you will choose to refrain yourself from getting closer to me... Why? Why must you do so? Why can't you just allow yourself to love me? 

Babiie, Love is not a game but it is a commitment. I know you dun want commitment because you dun want to be tie down yet and you want to enjoy the freedom of being single. I know you dun like the feelings of whereby, you will have to refrain from this and that, because you are already in a relationship. I am sorrie to have made you go through all these... I know you dun wanna make any commitment to anyone, even me because you are still young and you dun wish to settl down yet. You want to enjoy your life, want to enjoy freedom, want to do anything, go anywhere and be with anyone which you desire... Instead of accounting to me, have to seek my consent and even have to bear or tolerate with my restrictions... I know it hurts you badly but at the same time, I know I am more of a burden to you than a blessing...

I am sorrie... I hold you up in your journey of pursuing your dreams... I am sorrie because I nearly stumble you down because of my restrictions... I am sorrie that I hold up your spiritual growth... I am sorrie that I am not a good lover, I know that I have brought you more problems than happiness.. I am really sorrie...

location: home

mood: disappointed

music: nothing gonna change my love for you

Can u tell me why? Why is it that my sheep and Prisicllia care for me more than you? U been smsing Rebecca behind me, didn't inform me either but luckily, my sheep inform me... Dun blame me... It's a good thing that she informed me, if not, she is definitely ought to be turn upside down.... I know and have actually expected what you would tell her but nevertheless, I am still being affected when I saw the sms... I saw everything... It was really painful... But thank God, Priscillia and Rebecca was there by my side... Yes, they are right, I really wanted to cry and thus, I went to be under the rain so that no one can see my tears... However, my tears just refuse to flow out despite how much I really wanna cry...

I know you want Rebecca to help you to make me forget you... It is impossible, very dead impossible because even my sheep can see how I love you... How do u want me to forget someone whom I love so deeply? I really rather I dun love you before, but there is no turning back... I can no longer withdraw myself from this love trap which you have sets for me... I know that you dun love me and I seriously dun wanna hold you back too... Each time I want to make myself to let you go, each time I will be reminded of all the times we had and all the promises and confessions I have for you...

Another 15 days, and it will be 10th months for us... It's the longest relationship for you so far... By right, it should be so memorable and special to you, but I know it's the most painful relationship with you... Despite how much I have done for you, I know they are still not enough to make you touched and melt your heart... Despite how much times I have really done my best in satisfying you, you are never satisfied... When you are sick, I am worrying as though ant on hot pan... When you are injured, I will wanna be there to nurse and take care of you... When you are having Gastric, Fever or Headache, the pain that is burning inside my heart is 10 times of what you are going through... When you come back late, I will not be able to sleep but wait for you at the bus stop which you will definitely know... When I didn't manage to fetch you, I will make sure you really reach home soundly before I make my way home... 

I know you like your stead to be romantic, understanding and humorous, I have been trying to be one... Romantic, I have done all that I can to make you touched, feel and know that I am loving you always, missing you every single second... Chocolates, Flowers, Necklaces and Sweet Surprises, I have given you all... Even have my dedications to you in front of hundreds of my audiences during my Concert... You know very well, how much I have done for you and even though you couldn't make it for my concert or performances, but you know that I really wanted you so much to be there watching me... I know you like surprises, I have been doing my best... Understanding, I used to be very trant and bossy, always scolding you and lecturing you over trvial matters too but I am no longer like this because I know it hurts you alot... When you come back late, I try not to nag you or question you, instead wants you to pack your stuff and rest early... If you wanna let me know why, you will let me know on your own but of course, I know sometime, I will still question because you are neglecting me like I am completely transparent...

Humorous, I have really changed alot... And it is really hard to keep the limits... When I am too humorous, you say I behave like a clown but do you know I am just trying to make you smile and cheer you up? I love your smile and will always want you to be happy... I love it when you smile... And when I am not humorous, you say I am so bored and it's very boring for you to be out with me... It is really hard to aim up to the 100% of what you want for your stead... I know I am miles away from your dream lover... But do you know I am really doing my best in loving you with my very best... When we both fall sick, I dun care how sickly I am, how giddy my head or how painful my injuries, I will still pay attention to yours first... 

There was once when I hurt my leg due to an soccer match with SP students, you said you needed a few stuff and I went over to pass to you, walking like a crippled... And those stuff was quite heavy too... Despite how painful my leg was, I bear with all the pain and struggle my way there... Did you care? You didn't.. You jux want me to show you the bandage which I refuse to because it will be even harder for me to walk about... And when I tell you I want to go for Dance Practices, you wanted me to stay at home to rest instead of straining my leg when it's already injured... This incident is really enough to show and prove that I put you above myself... 

Another time when I have to wake up at 5 am because meeting Chu Jie at 6am, you needed and used the Laptop until somewhere near to 12 smth, I didn't complain and continue to wait... And by the time I reach home, it is already 1 am but I didn't balme you even when I seriously dun have sleep and you know how important my sleep is to me... When I was having eye infection, you were so nice and caring to me... But I am really sorry that I caused you to later being infected by it too... Still, I pay more attention to your own infection than mine... End up, you got infected later than me but recover earlier than me...

Since the first day we have been together, I know you have been trying to hide your real self from me... At times, you will tell me stuff whereby you will tell me that you will miss me and be reminded of those times we had... But again, at times, you will hurt me and break my heart like there is no tomorrow... We had our confession night, had all our promises and sharing, all these memories and times, I have been holding on to them tightly and never letting loose at all... Do you appreciate them? You dun, instead, you want me to forget about them by telling me that you forgotten about them or even asking my sheep to help you to make me forget you... Why? Are all those memories that we had so meaningless to you? Though they are not memories which are really precious to you, but at least they do mean alot to me... And I believe you too... 

Maintaining a relationship is definitely a skill of art... Both of us know the key to a successful relationship and though the most important key is lacking here, but I am still really glad that we have all the other keys... Patience, Understanding, Care, Compromising and Sacrifices... All... We had... But, you dun love me... Sometime I really wonder and got so confused till I really want to just dig out your heart and see what is going on inside... You tell me that you like me, and even wonder whether you love me because it is a fact that you do worry that I will be gone and you will do want me to be by your side... The point whereby you will feel loved when we hugged, it do shows that your heart is beating with the rhythm of love... Means I am inside your heart... It may be a corner of Love but it doesn't mean that you dun care...

I know you have done your best in making this relationship works, I know and have seen your effort but is this all you can ever do? You will always tell me that you are not a good girlfriend but do you know, you are actually fit out to be a very great and marvellous girlfriend? You are and can definitely be one, it's all whether you want or not... I know relationship is being excluded in your life right now because your are not allow to, I understand all the guilt and struggle you have... I will definitely take down all the punishment and judgement because despite how much I wanna slap you tight (as mention in previous entry) to wake you up, I still wanna protect you with my very best...

I know your expectations for your future lover, but do you know mine? Why is it that you always care about your own expectations but not mine? You have your dreams then about how about mine? I know what kind of life you wanna lead and do you know how much I have been doing my best in fulfilling them for you? You dun, because all you know is just complaining and thinking that I am bad and not good enough for you... I know you deserve someone better than me, but do you know how much I have really strive to hit your targets... 

Not trying to compare, but do you know that I really wish that you can be more like a ordinary girlfriend? I have seen how girls would really go to the limit to be nice to their stead, be sweet, be gentle and caring but why is it that you are always the one ruling instead of learning how to understand and compromise? I am not exepcting you to compromise at all times but do you know me compromising always is really a very tough thing for me... I have my own times whereby I will get tired too... But still, you dun get it.. Because you have never spare a thought for me before... Not even once...